[Aslml] The Death of ASLOK

[Steven Linton]

Made you look. :-)

So the last bastion of the free world has fallen.  The security 
measures at America’s international gateways have proven woefully 
inadequate, and the unthinkable has happened: a foreigner, worse yet 
a New Zealander*, Aaron Cleavin, has won the GROFAZ.

How the hell did this happen???? Does no-one else think that Mark 
Nixon's recent purchase of the Cleveland Indians was a tad 
coincidental? Where are the people from "Unexplained Mysteries" when 
you need them?

But, bizarre though it seems, it happened. What does it mean for the 
future? How does this unseemly turn of events impact on the future of 
the most prestigious title in the ASL world?

Those with a positive outlook will point to the limited impact on the 
UK when Aaron won Intensive Fire a few years back, but in doing so 
they fail to recognise the fact that beating the English** is a 
fairly mundane occurrence for the antipodeans, so it didn’t really 
warrant much effort.

But ASLOK, now there’s a different matter. This is a biggie, and they 
have means of dealing with such things in New Zealand. Think 
America’s Cup


Only much, much worse.

With Aaron’s victory, Mark Nixon will be required to lift the entire 
shooting match and move it to Auckland. In keeping with international 
precedent, there will also be some changes to the way in which the 
tournament is conducted.

New rules for dice rolling will be introduced: dice towers will be 
outlawed, and the venue will be advised to remove all clear drinking 
receptacles before the event (let’s see what happens when you roll 
your dice in a beer can). Anyone rolling less than 4 dice at a time 
will be subject to repeated penalties for delay of game.

The gaming itself will be brought into line with the 20th Century 
(Hey, this is New Zealand, you know!). ASL, while allowed, will not 
be required, and credit towards the GROFAZ may be allowed for games 
such as Up-Front, Terrible Swift Sword, Wrasslin’, tiddlywinks, chess 
and Combat Mission. There will be limits, however, as only those 
games of monopoly played on the original English board will be 
accepted. Note that the actual approval of individual games will be 
made at the end of the tournament, depending on who won. :-)

Mini’s will become ‘stubbies’, and will require the implementation of 
several local ‘pub rules’. Win a CC, scull a beer; heat of battle, 
scull a beer; critical hit, scull a beer; check a rule, scull a beer; 
roll a 2, scull a beer; roll a 12; scull a beer. roll a 17, scull 
several beers until the dots stop moving.

While GROFAZ will remain the main prize for the tournament, there 
will be more stringent requirements than simply winning games.  The 
marathon nature of the task will be emphasised, with competitors 
disqualified for falling asleep at any stage during the tournament or 
leaving the table for any reason during the course of a game.

Local colour will also be added: Darryl Lundy will lead a Haka before 
every days gaming begins, and anyone caught not paying complete 
attention will be handed over to the locals who will no doubt have 
reference to the colours ‘black’ and ‘blue’ in ensuring such slights 
on Maori culture are not repeated.

Gaming will commence as usual at 8am Cleveland time (that’s about 2 
in the morning the next day in Auckland), and can continue around the 
clock – although all games will be required to stop during any Rugby 
internationals. No alcohol will be allowed after 6pm local time, and 
anyone approaching any of the local women will, well lets face it, 
obviously have stumbled into the convention by mistake. Even in New 
Zealand, ASL players are not in any danger of breaching the local 
morality laws – at least in respect to women (OK, conscious women 
with no sense of smell).

The sheep are another matter. Don’t go near the sheep. Its illegal.

At least for foreigners.***

But hey, it could be worse. If the Europeans had won the bloody 
thing, they’d make the IIFT compulsory.

-------------------------------------------------------

*- As Aaron currently lives in Sydney, official Australian government 
policy would normally require me to claim him as an Australian by 
virtue of the “Winners are automatically Granted Citizenship Whether 
they like it or not Act”, but there are times when you just have to 
say “to hell with the law” and leave things in the street where you 
found them.

**- As Trevor would point out, Aaron didn’t beat any Welsh or 
Scottish players during his triumph, so they refuse to acknowledge 
his victory.

*** - As this email originates in Australia, I am required by law to 
include at least one sheep joke when referring to New Zealand. No 
offence meant to any Bondi residents on the list.****

****- The law also requires a Bondi reference (for the uninitiated, 
Bondi, a suburb of Sydney, is the 3rd largest city in New Zealand). 
Amazing what politicians doodle in the margins of legislation when 
they are forced to listen to rantings from Prattlers Of The Usual 
Shit*****